Today is Friday. The last day I had my tremor medication was on Sunday. I lost my health insurance several months ago when the company I was working for went under and we were all laid off. I have to pay out of pocket now for my prescription and I have not been able to afford it until I get paid next week. Let me just tell you that after one day of not having it I can feel the effects terribly. Now here we are on day 5 and I want to crawl under my covers so nobody can see me. The simplest task of holding my pen is a struggle. My whole body is working against itself right now. My heart is hammering because I am an anxious mess. It's hard to focus on anything else. I am just trying to calm my body down but it won't happen. It's been 28 years and I am way too familiar with how this plays out. Until I get my medication next week, this is the battle that I will be losing.
I guess the positive would be that I'm on a much lower dosage than I have been on in the past. I started Inderal when I was 11 years old. We started out on a much lower dose of 20 mg. We quickly came to the realization after several more increases that this would be something I would have to constantly revisit. At my highest dosage I was on 160 mg. Eventually my body argued it was too much. My tremors were no longer an issue, but my blood pressure was so low the doctors feared I would pass out. So I started revisiting the adjustment of it again. I now take 40 mg. I probably should be taking a higher dose, but I hope to get pregnant soon and withdrawing from it would be harder the higher the dosage.
If you want to know how it feels to have tremors, it's like your whole insides from your feet to your head is vibrating. It's like a constant humming. It's hard to hold your head straight. Walking makes you feel like your legs are going to collapse. You don't dare eat anything that requires a spoon. You consciously think every movement out so you can appear "normal". You keep your hands clasped or in your pockets. You have to deal with all the aching in your entire body from shaking all day. It hurts even more if you try to force your body to be still, so you debate which you would prefer. These are the never ending conflicts from the barrage of tremors. It's miserable. It's unfair. It's exhausting. It's paralyzing. It's uncomfortable but it is also the cards you were dealt. So I have to make due the best way possible, and make sure to be nice to myself at the end of the day. I'm okay at the end of it all and it will pass.