If My Voice Didn't Hurt Me

I read an article recently about FASD and how a lot of individuals have difficulties with their communication. I related to every word in that article I read. People that don't know me very well will often make the comment that if I hadn't told them I struggle with my speech, then they would never have known. They've told me that I'm very articulate. It's flattering. In that fleeting moment I feel like I'm shining and I get this boost of confidence that only lasts until the next time I am nervous and I open my mouth to speak. Most people who know me well joke about it with me. It's pretty common that a completely different word or sentence is coming out that I meant to say or is just struggling to come out at all. My brain is too fast for my lips. They just don't work in sync. I haven't figured out how to make them friends instead of enemies and it sucks. I'm nervous the second I need to speak to someone. I spend most of my time stuck in my own head thinking how dumb I sound after I struggled to start, or how stupid I must look trying to finish a sentence that I've started and have suddenly lost my direction. 

I am 28 years old. I have a million things I am self conscious of. I am learning to love myself with every insecurity and pushing myself to do better every day. I am forcing myself to change the parts of me I'm not happy with. We plan to start a family soon and I cannot bring a child into this world without conquering some of these demons so I can be the protector for my child. Humans are assholes. I refuse to let my child sit in a quiet depression at the end of the day wondering why he or she is the way they are. I need to learn to love myself so that I make sure my child will follow suit.

If I had a penny for every time I was told I was dumb because my birth mom did drugs or drank, I could honestly probably pay for a year's tuition of college. And if you could offer me a reason to why people are as cruel as they are, it might take some of the sting away. But then again, maybe not. 

Where would I be right now if I didn't spend so much time wondering how my words were going to come out? How much less anxious would I be through out the day? How much of my social anxiety comes from having to talk to people daily? I mean communication is such a monumental part of our lives as humans and I just imagine there has to be a day I am able to strike up a conversation and leave it shining. 

I know this blog was shorter than previous. I guess I'm just over trying to communicate today. Even writing (which has always been my sanctuary) is tedious right now. My thoughts are not stringing together the way I had hoped. To end this, can I just ask one favor? Can we all just hug ourselves today and be nice to ourselves? We are enough. And is it too much to ask we just be nice to one another? Everybody is fighting their own battles. It's exhausting, it's rough, it's emotional, at times it seems never ending; but being kind can make a difference you guys. I PROMISE.

My nephew, Saadiq's, hand holding mine. 

My nephew, Saadiq's, hand holding mine.