When Demi Lovato sang, “I want to be a role model, but I’m only human,” in her song Sober, I felt that to my core. It had already been a really long month. Just earlier that day I confided in one of my best friends that I was triggered. I walked up to her, my hands shaking, and broke down. I was too close to thoughts of using again and it scared the living hell out of me.
I don’t have these thoughts anymore. I have been clean for 6 years. I don’t fantasize about using and how good it will be. Instead I think of everything I would lose, and how miserable and worthless my life would be if I did use. I am strong in my recovery. I feel good about my life and the fruits of my labor. But this month had shown to be a test of that.
Addiction is brutal. Once an addict, always an addict. I know myself. I know my weaknesses. I know me. I don’t carry a false impression that I have escaped addiction. Instead I carry the burden and weight of my addiction, willingly. It holds me to being humble. I refuse to walk this Earth and pretend I am not one choice away from a past life. I carry the weight so I don’t forget the heaviness of addiction. I have to always be honest with myself. I understand my choice to get clean and work this hard is the reason for my abundant blessings. I also understand I have seen too many people relapse, so I carry addiction’s weight close to me so I can feel the reminder of where I don’t want to be.
My being triggered didn’t come out of left field. There were a lot of factors that played part. I work very hard. I have been working harder recently, trying to make up bills from maternity leave. I sleep very little. All of you amazing mothers and fathers understand this struggle. Having a baby is hard. It’s beautiful and my dreams have come true with him, but the lack of sleep does have an effect on your mental state. I was stretching myself too thin; taking on too many projects. I started second guessing every thing I did. Lack of sleep, emotions, motherhood and society had me second guessing my worth, my choices, my work, my actions. I felt my self confidence and the fire in my belly die down a bit.
And here I stood, standing with the door closed behind me, hands trembling, tears stinging my eyes - admitting that I wasn’t strong right now and I didn’t trust my own recovery in this moment. We talked about it, I got it out, and the moment passed. I carried on with my day, got in the card, turned on my Playlist, and let the music soothe my soul. Sober came on and I heard her sing, “I want to be a role model, but I’m only human.”
I am human. I will be tested. I am not strong all the time. I break down. That’s okay. I am so incredibly grateful that I have a vibe tribe, family and husband that I can be honest with in these moments. I continue my 6 years of recovery because I can be honest in times like this, and have learned how to get through the impulse or triggers.
I want to give a shout out to the women in my circle lately that keep me laughing. The ladies that keep me going, keep me honest, keep me accountable, keep me safe and keep me loved. Motherhood is a trip. I am so grateful for these fantastic women who I can be unapologetically real and honest with. Motherhood is scary. I have moments I don’t know what the heck I’m doing, but I have this band of women behind me, covering me in their light and standing by my side. I have this tribe of superwomen that push me to be a better mom. They tell Society to eff of with it’s standards. They make their own ways. They make their own paths. They make their own mistakes and then we sit around and laugh about them. I love these women. You know who you are. When you have a tribe like this, LOVE THEM HARD.